[[*---You Put Me Aside---*]]

Friday, February 24, 2006

+Heartfelt word+

Suddenly I felt emotional. I dunno why after reading her blog i felt as if I am back to that situation I once gone through. You make mi see my own act, all the evil that I have done to him and myself. Everything seems to be playing in my mind, reminiscences of my past. You make me feel the pain the two of you have gone through all this while. You show the passion the two of you share. You show me how much two can do jus to be with each other. Yet I have not done much for my own relationship. I am guilty, guilty of everything that I have done all along. But he never failed to forgive mi.

We quarrelled, we threaten to break each other heart, and we shout at each other, jus because we are both strong head. I dunno why I am so attach to you that I no longer want to move and mundane at the current status. I wish I could change for you too but my too playful heart never seems to get tried of playing and stop. I told you I will try to change yet time after time I am still as playful as ever. Is this the 'ME' that you like? Will you still love me if I am no longer the playful and mischievous me and turn into someone totally opposite?

Hmm wondering if you miss those days we camp outside marina square, chatting about our life? The time we used to study together? The morning calls I used to give you? The nagging jus to get you wake up and go to sch with me? And those days you used to estimate the time I reach home hoping to get me in time.

As time pass we start to pick on each other flaws and eventually turn our face away each other. Thinking back the time when I was so bothered about this matter. I cried, but I never did once tell anyone about how I felt exactly. Some might know a little but I barely touch on the surface only. I kept everything to myself, because you hate it when I talk to my friend about how I felt about everything, you hate it when I share with others our problems.

Think about it now. Am I still the gal you knew initially? Am I still the gal you use to like and adore so much in the past? Do you still love me as much as before? I tell myself never to expect so much unless you did contribute and put in effort. My perception towards love is so different from those friends of mine as well as my dearest one. This could also be the main reason why I always quarrel with you.

I'm in no position to comment on others relationship jus hoping mine will be better as the days passes. Smiles Hmm, tired lo. Go org org le tata.

It is because the lack of intimacy that the relationship stray. If you are bored then read this story, quite meaningful. Cherish your loved ones.

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom. This was the scene of ten years ago. The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, would be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldnt' help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said, you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I 've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment. One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldnt imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, Divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more. When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I 've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didnt know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly. She didnt t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! At that night, we didnt talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement, which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce, which had obsessed me for several weeks, seemed to be firmer and clearer. A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she didnt want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didnt want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I had not looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face. On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became more vague. On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didnt tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, it seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didnt notice that our life was lack of such intimacy. I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I wont divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didnt value the details of life, not because we didnt love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife, which was her favourite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I 'll carry you out every morning until we are old. Sometimes we are so comfortable living in the love showered by our love ones that we take things for granted. It takes a true heart to give and sacrifice, so treasure and never shatter it.

Stupid face!!

[[ Put Aside ]]*|1:10 PM|